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| ANTECEDENTS OF ASIAN SHAME The antecedents of shame start with the family. While no family deliberately sets out to create a fertile, breeding ground for shame, it exists because of generational patterns. Patterns and rules of communication are passed down from one generation to the next. These rules govern stability in the family and any attempt to change these rules will be attacked and crushed. In many Asian households, the individual is sacrificed for the sake of harmony and cooperation of the group (i.e. the family). This unhealthy relational dynamic manifests itself in 2 major rules: 1) No talking rule Talking is limited to superficial matters (i.e. events, facts, weather, grades, sports, etc.). Anything pertaining to thoughts, concerns, desires, feelings and needs are suppressed so that harmony can exist in the family. 2) No feeling rule Family members are not allowed to express anger, sadness, fear, disappointment or other “negative” emotions. Ironically, this is seen as a way to help children cope. Parents believe by not talking about “negative” feelings they are doing a service to their children. Unfortunately, when emotions are buried, it’s like a volcano slowly building up pressure until it one day erupts, causing catastrophic damage. Asian parents do great psychological harm to their children when children are not allowed to express themselves. But even allowing for expression is not enough. The emotions must be encouraged, nurtured, and worked through in the form of allowing the child to talk and having the parent ask and give appropriate feedback. Think about a child who cries out in panic because he fears his mom doesn’t want him. If the terror-striken child is allowed to cry but his fears of abandonment are not assuaged, the child learns subconsciously that his mother/father doesn’t care about him and that he must fend for himself in this world. If a boy comes home sad and distraught because he’s been teased, bullied, or beat up at school and his parents do not ask him about his day or notice his sense of dejection, this will only add to the boy’s internal feeling that he’s “unwanted” or “worthless”. Whether parents directly tell children not to cry or be sad or indirectly do so through neglect, the message is the same. Children internalize that emotions are “bad” and by having them they are “bad”. In addition to feelings/emotions, shame can also be linked to needs and desires. Basic human needs such as the need for human touch, the need for relationship, the need for personal interaction with our loved ones, and the need for affirmation can be thwarted in childhood. When Asian parents do not display signs of affection (i.e. no hugging, no pats on back), do not give positive verbal affirmation, and do not talk to their children individually (i.e. getting to know their hearts, their desires, their likes/dislikes), these children will seek solace elsewhere. Whether it’s in a romantic relationship, drugs/alcohol, obsession with gambling, spending, sex, or food, their drive to meet these core needs of intimacy will be insatiable. It’s an emotional black hole they won’t be able to fill, leaving many empty, alone, afraid, and hopeless. | | |
| As I mentioned in a previous blog, the ultimate feeling of unhealthy shame is when you have legitimate thoughts, feelings, or needs that can not be expressed. And for either thinking it or saying it aloud, you are chastised, blamed, or seen as selfish. Consequently, you internalize the feeling "I am a bad person" or "I am defective" for having these thoughts/feelings. I just returned from 2 weeks in Seattle visiting my parents (dad's 64th birthday). After almost a week of eating out countless times with my parents and other relatives, I decided to "get real". I challenged my parents out of love. I told my parents, I would like an opportunity for the family to "go deeper" instead of always talking about superficial matters. In essence, I told them I needed more out of them. I needed them to care about me in a way that I NEEDED. I NEED my father to know what I've been studying for the past 2 years. I need my father to call me and TALK to me and ask me how I'm doing. I NEED my father to ask questions about my life. As for my mom, we do talk periodically but a similar request was made that she do the same and ask pertinent questions. Eventually, I asked that we all go see a bilingual counselor to help us sort through the emotions. My mom refused and called me selfish. She blames me for causing so much turmoil the past week. She works at a hospital and told me she had to see a doctor because of all the pain I've caused her. She also told me my dad has been having nightmares after I had my 1st-ever "talk" with him. After I processed this information, I realized my parents can not tolerate anger or frustration. So instead of allowing me to vent, they quickly try and cut it off and point the finger at me for being a "disobedient" son. They tell me I am not honoring them by having a difference of opinion and bringing it to their attention. I am being a "bad" and ungrateful son for talking about my past and my current feelings/needs. My parents then went on the defensive and brought out a laundry list of everything they provided for me financially (insurance in high school, a car when I first started off my career, and some money they had loaned me over the years). I did not discount my appreciation for those things but I also told them at this point in my life, I just NEED them emotionally to show that they care for me in the way I understand. I don't need them to buy me things. They don't need to take me out to eat. I don't need them to cook meals for me. I just need them to talk to their son. My mom thinks living in L.A. and reading books has done a number on me. She blames my behavior on depression. I agreed with her that I am depressed. Depressed because I can't even talk to my own parents!! I'm so disconnected from my own mother and father and it pains me now and will pain me for the years to come. My mom just told me to get used to it because this is the Chinese way. It's in her "sum" (English translation is heart) and she doesn't ever need to show it but to just know it's there. Maybe it worked in the past, but in America this can't happen. We are living in a new world. We are experiencing new things for the 1ST time ever. It's VITAL to talk about these experiences. It's frightening to a child to have to experience the American rituals of schooling, college, work, etc. without having our parent's support. In fact, it's frightening to live life feeling your parents have left it up to you to "figure it out". This breeds an unnatural attempt at independence that runs counter to our human nature to NEED and DEPEND on our parents for some level of support and encouragement. Some Christians would say just depend on God. "Let go and let God" they would tell me. Sorry bud, it's not that simply. Instead I have to just scream & yell, WHERE ARE YOU, GOD????????????? DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT THE GENERATIONAL PAIN & ADDICTIONS THAT PLAGUE MY FAMILY? HOW IS THIS EVER GOING TO CHANGE????????? HOW WILL YOU USE ME?? Meanwhile my family members (parents included) cope with the pain of life with their addictions: watching t.v. (up to 6 hours a day of Cantonese soap operas), work, gambling, food, affairs, sex, video-games, etc. In the end, I had some Christian mentors pray for me. They prayed for breaking the ancestral sins that has held my family captive. They prayed I might be a light for the family (I'm the only Christian in a large family). They prayed that God would give me the blessing that I've so desired in my life. The blessing I never received from my parents, the blessing I never received in L.A. The blessing I tried desperately to find through work, money, marriage, and affirmation: affirmation from peers & co-workers, affirmation from bosses, affirmation from countless other relationships that would never fill the void in my heart. The prayer was real. The prayer was earnest. The prayer was my heart's deepest longing revealed through a lifetime of shame, brokenness, and silence. That silence has now been pierced by prayer. May God bestow his mercy upon not only my family but the millions of others that suffer in similar shame. | | |
| I've been doing some research for my work in marriage and family therapy and came across some startling statistics.
Most already know that the porn revenues annually at 13.3 billion dollars is larger than the revenues of the top technology companies combined: Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo!, Apple, Netflix and Earthlink. (source Current.com)
But what I never realized was the link to Asian culture. Research shows that porn revenues rank U.S. as 4th. Guess who's in the top 3? All Asian countries:
1) China (27 billion)
2) S. Korean (25 billion)
3) Japan (19 billion)
Together these three countries account for 76% of all the world's porn revenues (source Family Safe Media).
I've visited all three countries within the past decade but it wasn't until recently that I found a connection between culture, shame, and sex.
Based on my understanding of psychology, culture, and addiction, it's no wonder Asians (both in Asian and here in the U.S.) are most susceptible to misusing and abusing our sexuality.
As we know, Asian countries base their identity and tradition in being shame-based cultures. Shame is what sets limits to our behavior and keeps us "in check". We try not to disgrace our families and heritage by being obedient and trying our best to put family first. Our individuality is often suppressed to the point that most Asians and Asian-Americans lack their own identity because of what's known as "enmeshment" to our parents/culture.
But the old way of thinking is being re-worked, especially here in America. With Christianity and American influences that have modeled healthier parent/child relationships (not to mention healthier relationship to self & God), we have a better understanding of what it means to be whole. We yearn to find our place in this world and to have our soul satisfied.
But in this journey, many fall short and fall victim to addictions (not limited to Asians). However, what is unique to Asians is the high degree of shame our culture has placed on us. As a result, I've seen how shame has ravaged my own family line through two main addictions: gambling & sex (this includes porn, strip clubs, affairs, etc.).
So why the focus on shame? Because shame at its most unhealthy level leads people to believe they are flawed and defective. Healthy shame alerts us to behaviors/attitudes that may give rise to concern.
For many Asians the shift from healthy shame to toxic shame begins early. Because my parents taught each us that emotions were bad (i.e. anger, sadness, disappointment, needs, etc), we never learned how to process them. As a result, whenever we felt an emotional need or a desire, many of those needs stayed within. Consequently they were never met as a child.
NY Times Best-Selling Author John Bradshaw makes this seminal point in his book on shame:
"To be shame bound means that whenever you feel any feelings, any need, or any drive you immediately feel ashamed". So as a kid, if you were told it was unacceptable to have feelings, needs, or drives-you were destined to end up shackled in toxic shame.
Fast forward to adulthood and what you get are countless Asian-Americans with their emotional lives clogged up. This emotional repression is where the fertile ground of addiction grows.
Because without a proper place to get your needs met, addicts will turn to other habits to meet that need. That's the essence of addiction. The substances or the emotional "high" is reliable and dependable. Whether it's food, drugs, work, shopping, or sex, the craving for competency, validation, and affirmation can be met through addictions. The addictions help take the pain of loneliness, feelings of unworthiness, and consequently serve as a way to cope with life.
Now as it pertains to sex addiction, let's be careful not to misinterpret sex. Most people erroneously think sex addiction is about sex. But from a psychological (and even theological) standpoint, it's not that at all. It's about people trying to get their emotional deprivation filled through sex. It's about trying to satisfy and overcome the core belief that we are not good enough as human beings.
Asians are most prone to this faulty shame belief system because our culture encourages:
1) Performance vs. being (i.e. We become human "doings" vs. human beings).
Parents spend an inordinate amount of time focusing on what their children do and miss out on who their children are as people.
2) Conditional Love
When Asian parents do not hug or verbally affirm their children, they are operating out of a fear. Fear of intimacy, fear of breaking family rules, etc. This eventually is a set up for low self-esteem and feelings of abandonment/neglect.
3) The Black Hole of the heart
Believing you have to "do" and achieve leads to the Black Hole of the heart. No matter how much affirmation, compliments, validation you get addicts can never get enough because it's a black hole that keeps demanding more. So the vicious cycle of dependency, addiction, and shame go 'round and 'round unless it's broken.
(the three principals mentioned above is from Sex Addiction specialist Dr. Patrick Carnes)
So how do we help someone with a black hole, feel whole?
I believe this is the territory of the Christian church. It's the one place I know (outside of psychotherapy), where the soul of so many hurting Asian Americans burdened by shame (ironically Asian Christianity adds to even more of that shame!) can be healed. But it has to start with the pastoral leadership. If Asian-American pastors have not come to grips with their own shame then the cycle will only continue.
The church has to live out Christ's message of unconditional love and acceptance. If the church and fellow Christians can not be the safest place on Earth, then what the hell are we here for?
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| I have never questioned or thought to question the origin of my Bible. I use both an NIV and a New Living Translation. Most recently I picked up The Message translation of the New Testament by Eugene Peterson. So why does it matter? Well I went to a house "gathering" from Asian folks (mostly Chinese immigrants) who use the Recovery Bible (New Testament). When I asked who wrote it, the leader mentioned it was written by numerous scholars. Baloney! After this response, I pressed him to answer who Witness Lee was since this bible showed it was written and interpreted by him. He mentioned how Witness Lee was a great man of God (blah, blah, blah) who was "divine" and wrote this version. But this is where all of us need to be careful since cults take their translation and twist everything around. The bible can and does get manipulated...CHECK YOUR INTERPRETATION and have a defense ready as to how you chose your bible(s). I basically started looking into my various bibles and recognized that my NIV bible is considered a "committee bible". That means a committee of Christians from a cross-section of denominations (Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterians, Assemblies of God, Lutheran, etc.) helped interpret it and add to its footnotes. This helps prevent a sectarian bias that becomes apparent when I saw and read some of the questionable footnotes and emphasis in the Witness Lee translation. His translation had a lot of emphasis on Christians being "divine", "regenerated", firstborn sons of God, etc. Now in and of itself it may sound quite sound but when I cross referenced specific verses (they showed me their version of Hebrews 2:11 which emphasized man as having the same divine life and nature of God. When I cross referenced my NIV (unfortunately forgot my bible at home so was at their interpretational mercy). (Hebrews 2:11 "Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers." NIV) My versions emphasized being Christ-like while theirs had footnotes emphasizing our divinity and having the same divine nature as God, that we're also God's firstborn son, etc.) So the bottom line comes down for us is one of discernment and making sure you arm yourself with an understanding of not only scripture but the background behind who's contributing to your bible translation. FOCUS ON THE FAMILY (founded by Christian Psychologist Dr. James Dobson) lists the translations it recommends and doesn't recommend, partially based on gender interpretations. Gender-Specific Translations Essentially Literal, "word-for-word" translations: | NLV | New Life Version | | KJV | King James Version | | NKJV | New King James Version | | NASB | New American Standard Bible | | ESV | English Standard Version | AMP | Amplified Bible | | HCSB | Holman Christian Standard Bible | | RSV | Revised Standard Version |
Dynamic Equivalence, "phrase-for-phrase" translations: | NIV | New International Version | | NIrV | New International Reader's Version (1998 Revision) |
Gender-Specific Paraphrases* (culturally adapted imaginative renderings of the Bible) LB | The Living Bible -- Paraphrased by Kenneth Taylor | TLB | The Living Bible | | MSG | The Message by Eugene Peterson |
Gender-Neutral Translations Focus on the Family does NOT use or recommend the following gender-neutral Bibles: | TNIV | Today's New International Version | | NLT | New Living Translation | | NRSV | New Revised Standard Version | | NCV | New Century Version | | CEV | Contemporary English Version | | GW | God's Word | | NIVI | New International Version Inclusive Language Edition |
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| Charles Stanley says if you want to hear God you can do so in four ways: 1) the bible 2) through prayer 3) through other people 4) in our experiences For myself, much of what I've heard from God came from my experiences and through other people. There have also been some answered prayers but I wasn't sure if they were just coincidences or truly from God. Even more difficult for me was hearing God through the bible. Since we tend to do what we do best, I focused on relying on my experiences and other people to hear God. I prayed daily but I wasn't looking to hear God in that manner. Same with bible-reading. I read to gain knowledge but it was sporadic and haphazard. Recently, God has convicted me (once again through my experiences) that it's essential that we know the Word of God. I've been searching for possibly another church but along the way encountered some uncomfortable situations. I went to Harvest Rock Church in Pasadena and was not used to pastor's call to healing from the pulpit. I was also invited to attend a friend's gathering at "The Church" (aka Witness Lee gatherings). Some would call these places cults others would disagree. However whatever the case may be, I've been protected for the past 5 years with Evergreen that I never had to worry about another church's theology and their core beliefs. So how do I spot a cult? Well one book mentioned it's analogous to a bank teller detecting counterfeit money. The American Banking Assoc. would send bank tellers to Wash. D.C. for two weeks to learn about counterfeit money. During this entire time they never touch or see a counterfeit bill. Instead, the Assoc. realized the best way for tellers to spot a fake was to know the real deal. So when it came to Christian cults, I was going crazy trying to find something wrong in their theology or their bible (Recovery Bible for the Witness Lee group). They know their bible so well, I'd easily get lost in the argument. Now I realize, it's dependent upon me (and each of us) to know the Bible enough so that if we ever enter a non-denominational "Christian" church we can have the discernment to know what's biblical, what's not, and all the areas in between. | | |
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